♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪
♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Martonius Jackson catches the ball!
He's running down the sideline and-ooh!
Boo! Did you see that hit? Boom!
Jackson stopped at the 45, and he is slow to get up.
That was a great hit, boys.
Remember that at practice tomorrow.
Yeah, Jackson took a real shot,
and I'm not sure what he's doing now,
but it appears as though he's looking for his keys, Dan.
Yeah, and that doesn't make a lot of sense,
because ever since his concussion in '06,
he doesn't even he have a license.
Coach Martin is coming over to tell him that now,
but Jackson appears to think he's in a car, driving home.
Well, during this time out, we're happy to be joined
by the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell.
Commissioner, a lot of hoopla about concussions
this year in the NFL.
How is the league handling all that?
Well, there certainly are
interesting statistics coming out, Dan,
and we are deeply concerned and waiting to see
if there's really any direct correlation
between football and head trauma.
Oh, and it looks like some of the NFL alumni
are taking the field now.
There's All-Pro safety Martin Gregors
and fullback Jim Harris.
Looks like his pants are down around his ankles.
Somebody should let him know.
Oh, and of surehand Mike Taftill,
who seems to be baking an imaginary cake, Dan.
Yeah, not sure if that's meant to be a cake
or-or perhaps, uh, a loaf of bread,
but he definitely thinks he's baking something.
Boy, I just don't get football.
Guess that's why I suck at it.
You don't suck at football, Butters.
You suck at all sports.
That's true!
OI' Eric tells me I should work
at a Thai massage parlor, I'm so good at sucking!
That's right, Butters.
And with that, the Browns are ready to kick it off
back to the Broncos.
All right, all right, here you go, boys.
Watch them on the kickoff, all right?
Special teams are the most important plays.
We don't have kickoffs anymore.
Huh?
The school said they're the most dangerous plays,
so they don't have us do 'em anymore.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa!
What the fuck?
Okay, before we get started with this PTA meeting,
does anyone have any outstanding issues?
Yeah, I'd like to talk about this genius new rule
in the football program about no kickoffs.
Uh, yes, we've decided to go without kickoffs
because of the concerns raised over concussions, mkay.
Oh, yeah, we don't want our kids
getting hurt playing football.
But I think I have a way to make it even better.
Why don't we have the players just wear bras?
Bras?
Yeah, the players should all wear bras,
and instead of helmets, they should wear little tin foil hats
'cause, you know, it's "the future,"
and we shouldn't be so barbaric!
How would the bras and tin foil hats make it safer?
Oh, you're all not getting it!
See, while we're at it,
we'll have a balloon instead of a ball,
and whoever catches the balloon tries to run
while all the other players hug.
Huh.
You-you think the students would like that?
Oh, they'd love it!
A sport where safety is all that matters.
How about we call it "sarcastaball"!
Mkay...
Would you mind being the coach
of the South Park sarcastaball team?
Jesus Christ.
Yes, I would love to be the coach of the sarcastaball team.
Dad, do we really have to wear bras?
Yeah, Stan, this is what people want.
Don't worry, you look really cool.
I got the balloon, Coach Marsh.
What should I do with it?
Oh, you know, try to get it into the end zone,
but be really polite about it.
Okay!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
You guys look terrific.
Wow, this game is great!
How's it going, coach?
How's it going? Awesome!
Nobody's getting hurt,
and the kids are learning valuable life lessons,
'cause hugging and safety is what the world is all about!
So, you're happy with these changes?
Happy? I'm thrilled!
Look at how much better this is!
Okay...
Is football safe for your kids?
Concerned parent Randy Marsh says no,
and has started a movement to reform the sport,
gathering followers by the hundreds.
Oh, this is good.
Nice for you all to turn out in record numbers
to show your support for sarcastaball.
Yeah, yeah, we're through with our kids
getting "knocked on da gwound and tackwled."
Let's make sarcastaball
the official school sport nationwide!
Go on! Pat yourselves on the back!
Showing just how much one concerned parent can do,
Marsh then found himself
in front of the leaders of Washington.
Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
We got an economy in the toilet,
a big election coming up,
but this country's number one priority
should be making football safer.
This is ridiculous!
Are we really going to go out there
and play North Park like this?
I can't even remember if we're supposed to hug
the fullback or compliment him.
- I'm so confused. - This game is stupid.
I have no idea how to go out on a field
and be as nice as I can to the other team!
Yeah, you know what? Screw this!
Hey, whoa! I can't believe what I'm hearing!
We been practicing and getting ready for this game,
and you fellas just wanna quit?
We don't even understand how this game is played.
This great game isn't about plays.
It's about sportsmanship and compassion.
And when I look around this locker room,
I see some of the nicest, most compassionate guys
I've ever met.
Token, you're nicer than anybody I know.
And, Clyde, you give better hugs
than anyone out on that field!
That's true.
Are we just gonna let North Park walk away with a victory
because we think they know how to be nicer than us?
Being nice is about what's inside you!
When your enemy is nice to you, you just be nice right back!
And if they give you two balloons,
well, you give 'em three!
- Yeah. - Yeah!
And when they try and thank you for those balloons,
you say, "I don't need any thanks.
I did it 'cause it was the right thing to do,"
and then you give 'em a smile!
All: Yeah!
And when that other team tries to come at you,
that's when you gotta reach deep down,
right down to your creamy center...
that place, that place inside of you
where all the gooey, happy, loving goo sits,
and you gotta use that to be the nicest,
most compassionate player you've ever been,
and let the world know that we will not go down so easy!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Let's do this. Stan, hook up my bra.
As commissioner of the NFL,
lam so thrilled to see our nation's youth
embrace sarcastaball over traditional football.
Oh, but why stop there?
Since football is so barbaric, we should change too!
So, let's give a big welcome
to the new coach of the Denver Broncos, Randy Marsh!
Congratulations, Marsh. Good job.
Oh, thank you, commissioner.
I'm thrilled to be a part of this.
- Thanks. - Nice going.
Yeah, no, no, you nice going.
Hey, guys, how about a nice fucking picture
to welcome in the future of sports?
Welcome to the inaugural game
of the National Sarcastaball League,
as we bring you today's match-up between the Denver Broncos
and the Oakland Raiders.
Yeah, lookin' good, guys. Let's kick some butt.
Give 'em hell, coach! Loving, not shoving!
Oh, yeah, good one!
And now, here are your Denver Whoop-dee-fucking-do Girls!
Whoo.
Go, Broncos, go.
Whoop-dee-fuckin'-do.
And now, here to sing the sarcastaball anthem,
recording artist, Cee Lo.
♪ I love sarcastaball ♪
♪ It's so much better than football ♪
♪ I'm so glad they got rid of violence in sports ♪
♪ 'Cause sarcastaball is so super fun to watch ♪
Whoo! Nice job, Cee Lo.
Good to see you on TV some more.
Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit song!
Dude, what do you mean we don't have a coach?
Look, I'm sorry guys.
My dad said he's too busy with the Broncos.
He doesn't have time for us.
But our big game with Lakewood is Saturday!
I'm sorry!
My dad is taking professional sarcastaball
really seriously.
Well, we might as well call up Lakewood
and tell em we forfeit.
- We can't! - We don't have a coach, Kyle!
Who needs a coach? We have Butters.
- Huh? - Hey, yeah.
The guys are right.
From now on, you're team captain, Butters.
You lead us to victory.
Oh, jeez, no. I don't know, fellas.
Butters, you understand this game better than anybody.
Yeah, but I-l can't be team captain.
I-I suck at everything.
Not at this, you don't.
What about that creamy filling you talked about?
That gooey goodness inside you
that makes you the butteriest Butters we know?
It's in there. It's overflowing sometimes.
We need you, Butters. You're the man.
Butters! Butters! Butters! Butters!
I love you, Butters!
Love you too, ladies. Mwah.
Oh, Butters!
You know how I feel about the captain of sports teams!
Leave him alone, Wendy. He's mine!
Whoo-hoo!
Wha-wha-wha-what?
What? Oh.
Whoa.
Dad! It happened again!
More of my creamy goo came out.
Oh. Well, uh, that's okay, Butters.
Remember what we talked about.
Sometimes our happy, creamy feeling just gets so full,
it comes out at night.
I was having happy dreams about a girl and...
All right, Butters, it's-it's happy feelings.
- Let's just not talk about it. - Okay, Dad!
Ooh, save that for later!
The score is zero to zero,
as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.
Go, Broncos, go.
Manning has the ball.
He's saying some really great things about the other team.
Manning met by LaMarr Woodley.
He's giving the balloon to Woodley!
The referee comes in.
Oh, the referee is calling that a touchdown!
Oh, wait, now another official is signaling that's a safety.
Oh, yeah, nice going, replacement refs!
They're gonna have to sort this one out
with the side judge.
Fuck it. It's a fucking field goal.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!
Coach, 3-to-nothing victory over the Steelers.
You must feel like a real winner.
Yeah, well, the other team was just so awesome on offense,
I was really scared.
Coach Belichick says, "No way we can beat the Broncos.
They've had the same coach for almost a day."
Uh, yeah, I'm just the guy who invented sarcastaball.
There's no way I know how to coach it.
Guess we'll find out on Sunday.
Yeah.
All right, guys, listen up.
Forget about the day off. We need to practice tomorrow!
All: Aww!
Practice on Monday after a victory? Great.
That's good, Peyton, but we need to get better.
Practice on Monday? That's just what I wanna do.
That's it!
Hey, Butters, you got a minute?
Sure, Eric!
I don't know what to do.
Kids are starting to make fun of me
because I'm no good at sarcastaball.
I suck at being nice and polite.
I'm so good at sucking, I should work at a Thai massage parlor.
Oh, no, Eric, you're... you're a great player.
No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters.
Oh, well, Eric, I told you,
everyone has a creamy filling inside them,
where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from.
Didn't your dad ever tell you that?
I don't have a dad.
Oh, right. I'm sorry.
Well, everyone has a creamy filling, Eric.
And some people have so much of that feeling
that it comes out sometimes.
A lot of times, when I go to sleep,
and especially if I'm having wonderful dreams
that make me feel really good,
sometimes I wake up,
and when I wake up, I realize some of my goo has come out.
Oh, jeez, there's a lot this time!
But I always make sure I keep it,
just in case I ever run out of all my happy sunshine feelings.
You save it all?
My goo doesn't come out every night,
but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it.
Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else?
I don't know.
I never really thought of it that way.
Hmm.
It's kind of a grape-y, bleach-y flavor.
Do you feel warm and compassionate?
Holy shit, I think I do.
Welcome back to Rome.
We're gonna talk some sarcastaball.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to talk sarcastaball,
because it's really compelling.
Joining me now is the coach of the Denver Broncos
and the inventor of sarcastaball, Randy Marsh.
Thanks for callin' in, Randy
Really happy to have you on the show.
Yeah, it's awesome to be on your show.
Randy, first off, thanks for taking a sport that we all love
and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare.
- Way to go. - Thanks, Jim.
'Cause it's totally what I intended.
You know, when I came up with the idea,
I was sure it was gonna end up like this.
Well, it certainly makes for an exciting game.
How about last night's nail-biter that ended 0-0?
That's a game I wanna watch twice.
That's a game I wanna watch four times.
Check that. I'll watch that game five times.
Good luck on Sunday.
I'm sure that'll be another game
that I could watch 12 times.
Check that, 13 times.
Thanks, Jim.
Randy, aren't you gonna come join your family for dinner?
Oh, yeah, I've totally got time to do that, Sharon.
In fact, how about I go downstairs
and make a four-course meal for all of you?
Check that. A seven-course meal.
Randy, something's happened.
Are you unable to stop being sarcastic?
Oh, right, I can't stop being sarcastic now.
I'm telling you, Randy, I think this sport
is doing something to your brain.
Right, it's doing something to my brain,
and now I can't stop being sarcastic.
Do you mean that?
Yes! I totally mean it!
Help me, Sharon. Help me.
All right, first string, cover those wide-outs.
Tell 'em how much you like their outfits!
Clyde! Token!
Hug those two players and give their quarterback a kiss!
Awwww!
Cartman, you idiot!
Stay positive, Stan!
All right, guys, cuddle up! Cuddle up!
Now, what is going on out there?
That kid is provoking us!
He's saying mean things to try to piss us off.
Yeah. We need more of your mojo, Butters.
Oh, all right, all right, here ya go.
Uh-huh. Hmm.
I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh,
but there appears to be permanent damage.
Oh, boy, this is great.
My week just keeps getting better.
How do we fix this, doctor?
You don't. I'm sorry.
There just isn't enough research
in how sarcasm affects the brain.
So, that's it.
I should just go home
and forget about what this sport has done to me,
let thousands of people play sarcastaball and get hurt too.
Oh, really, you think there's a correlation
between sarcasm and sarcastaball?
Really? That's fascinating. Please go on.
No, sarcastaball has nothing to do with it.
I just... l just really enjoy being sarcastic
and so I must be finding an excuse.
You know, I have a 50-year-old Alzheimer's patient
out in the waiting room who can't even remember his family,
but let's forget about him and focus on how sarcastaball
might be damaging people's brains.
My son is out there, playing that game.
It's heartwarming to see
you have such high regard for his safety!
Okay. Well, I've got a better idea.
Let's get all the funding for cancer research
and genetic diseases... let's take all that money
and make commercials that say "Hey, America,
sarcasm might not be such a great thing for your brain."
Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much!
Jim Rome here.
Hey, I love sarcastaball just as much as the next guy,
but sometimes it's so thrilling,
I need an extra burst of energy to get me through a game.
That's when I reach for a bottle of this.
Butters' Creamy Goo.
You play hard.
You need a sports drink that gives you that extra boost.
Sports these days are all about being nice,
so take your game to the next level with Butters Creamy Goo.
You'll be filled with feelings of good tidings
and be nicer than a ray of sunshine.
Like me!
Get with it, and get the goo.
Butters' Creamy Goo is chockfull
of all the essentials an athlete needs.
And now it's available in quart size.
When I get hot and tired,
only one thing can boost my compassion.
Ugh. Now I'm back in the game!
♪ Go and chug a bottle of Butters Creamy Goo ♪
42! Red 13!
Sunshine and happy thoughts!
Sunshine and happy thoughts, hut!
Oh, no! That kid's going to intercept it!
Good job, kid!
Stan?
Stan!
Dad?
Get in the car, Stan.
- We're going home. - What?
We're sorry, Stanley,
we don't want you playing this sport anymore.
Hey, get off the field, mkay!
Everyone! Everyone, listen!
There's something you all need to know about sarcastaball.
It turns out it's totally safe.
Yeah, it's super safe.
It's, like, so safe that we should have every kid play it.
Sorry, sorry. Hang on.
Gotta not be so sarcastic.
Let me try that again.
Listen, everyone, if you let your kids play sarcastaball,
you're a fuckin' genius.
Oh! Cut, sorry.
Try this again.
Look, what I'm trying to say is,
we should have, like, ten sarcastaball leagues,
because then everyone... God damn it!
Stanley, just get your things and come on.
We're going home.
Whoa, you can't tell me what to do!
Yeah, we're your parents. We can't tell you what to do.
Don't you see what this sport has done to your father?
Do you want to end up like him?
Oh, right, like he doesn't exaggerate
every disease he gets.
' Oh. Randy! It's happening!
Mr. Marsh, listen.
I know you care about your son, but he's a heck of a player.
He's good at tickling, laughing, and gettin' along.
Look, the point has been made, okay?
I'm warning you, being this sarcastic is dangerous.
We're not being sarcastic, Dad!
Is it so hard to believe
that we really enjoy a sport that has no violence?
Is it so hard for you to believe
that when Butters says
competitiveness can be compassionate,
he's being completely sincere?
I don't see how anyone could play this game
with any sincerity.
That's because you're too grumpy
and negative to believe it.
What you need is a sports drink
that can boost your levels of caring and goodness.
Yeah, Dad, you need some of this.
This is cum.
And you can just sit here in your room
and think about what you've done!
Just because people try and make football a little safer
by changing a kickoff rule
doesn't mean you need take it to,
"Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?"
Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic,
and completely lacking in maturity!
Any questions?
What's sarcasm and what's cum?
We'll talk about that when you're older.
Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick-off change
and get back to some football.
Welcome back to Rome.
Some of you might of seen me on TV last night.
Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen.
Turns out a little kid was just being sarcastic.
That kid's probably grounded for a month.
Check that... I'm sure he's grounded for two months.
And a week.
Football needs to be made safer,
so why don't we have players in bras drinking semen?
Yeah, that's a fast ball right there.
That's a real stroke of philosophic genius...
More little kids drinking semen
to finally bring back real football,
and I don't know what else to say but, so long, sarcastaball,
it was nice knowing you.
Let's just hope nothing like this ever happens again.
Probably won't.
Not for another year.
Check that, a couple days.
Dad! Hey, Dad!
What?
My wiener is all stiff and pointy!
Oh, well, Butters, that's just the friendly compass.
See, whenever you have friends in the area,
your little compass there tells you where they are.
It's pointing up because Jesus is your friend.
Thanks, Dad.